i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
