For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
