The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
