The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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