3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
