so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
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