I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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