i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
