Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
