I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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