i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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