pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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