There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
