my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
