why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i just had sex bonerless
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
