I like to think it a success when the cops are called
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Randomize
