Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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