I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
