Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
