Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
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