upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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