Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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