If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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