What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Randomize
