Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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