I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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