yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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