Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
