Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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