where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
We just shotgunned beers for America
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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