My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
operation have a gay friend backfired
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
