I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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