Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
