All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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