I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize