I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Randomize
