i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
