I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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