oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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