A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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