Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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