hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
