Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
