awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
