Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Randomize
