is your mom at the bar?
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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