Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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