Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
