I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
