Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
