If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize