I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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