I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I feel like death gave me a hand job
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
you never un-have a 4some
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
