I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I just found a bag of teeth...
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
