I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I looked at my own cervix.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
