I wish I only lived at night.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
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