On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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