She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
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