Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
