It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
