Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
