She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
