I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
