i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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