She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
