tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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