i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
accomplished twins. life is a go
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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