dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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