Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
